Still Hurting

April 2020 and I’m still crying n heartbroken …
I will b glad to be with someone that really LOVES me..won’t cheat and think I’m worth it. Part of me is afraid it will never happen again.
Far from perfect, but I’ve never even now till this day, slept with another man…I was always loyal even while being treated like I’m nothing. It hurts that all the work, time, devotion and love was forgotten and replaced with someone else because she “is easier” .
For a brief moment I thought he missed me, but it was just the alcohol and convenience. He went right back 2 her. Maybe she has always been around n I’m the last 2 know. I hate that I am still in love with him…he hates all of us . Me, the kids, even the damn cats. He prob hopes I catch this Corona virus …then I’ll b gone ..he can bring her here and live the life he wants. But I was ASKED 2 come here, I was asked to pick a house. All that to be less than 2 years later..abandoned.
No matter one deserves this….it hurts. Many mornings I’m angry I woke up because in my dreams, this break up and cheating never happened. In my dreams he is in love with me, we are running to the store, hanging out, just being like we were. However, I wake up..he’s either not home or on the couch; refusing to come into the bedroom unless it’s to shower, get dressed and get the fuck away from me…I try to stay out the way because I know he hates me n wishes I disappear. I’m afraid to talk to him or ask for anything.

I wish he understands…the arguing is the soul screaming, “How the fuck did we get HERE?!” I’d rather just grab him and hug him n what my heart and soul feels pours out into him. But, instead, he sees tears, hears yelling, and calls me crazy. He no longer sees it’s frustration 4 us being in this position…instead of the happy couple we once were.

I wish I can go back to Oct. 31, 2019..💜that was the last time he acted like he loved me.

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