April 2020 and I’m still crying n heartbroken …
I will b glad to be with someone that really LOVES me..won’t cheat and think I’m worth it. Part of me is afraid it will never happen again.
Far from perfect, but I’ve never even now till this day, slept with another man…I was always loyal even while being treated like I’m nothing. It hurts that all the work, time, devotion and love was forgotten and replaced with someone else because she “is easier” .
For a brief moment I thought he missed me, but it was just the alcohol and convenience. He went right back 2 her. Maybe she has always been around n I’m the last 2 know. I hate that I am still in love with him…he hates all of us . Me, the kids, even the damn cats. He prob hopes I catch this Corona virus …then I’ll b gone ..he can bring her here and live the life he wants. But I was ASKED 2 come here, I was asked to pick a house. All that to be less than 2 years later..abandoned.
No matter what..no one deserves this….it hurts. Many mornings I’m angry I woke up because in my dreams, this break up and cheating never happened. In my dreams he is in love with me, we are running to the store, hanging out, just being like we were. However, I wake up..he’s either not home or on the couch; refusing to come into the bedroom unless it’s to shower, get dressed and get the fuck away from me…I try to stay out the way because I know he hates me n wishes I disappear. I’m afraid to talk to him or ask for anything.
I wish he understands…the arguing is the frustration..my soul screaming, “How the fuck did we get HERE?!” I’d rather just grab him and hug him n what my heart and soul feels pours out into him. But, instead, he sees tears, hears yelling, and calls me crazy. He no longer sees it’s frustration 4 us being in this position…instead of the happy couple we once were.
I wish I can go back to Oct. 31, 2019..💜that was the last time he acted like he loved me.
Just like that…I am replaced.
All of our memories, dumped-as if all these years
Meant nothing. Did they mean anything? How long,
HOW LONG were U planning 2 “check out”?!
I was always afraid this day would come
Our 1st, 2nd or 3rd date I whispered 2 U
During an intimate kiss after a lovely date
I whispered-between kisses
“Please, don’t hurt me.”
“I won’t.” Was your reply
I believed U. The stacks were against us
Yet still, we pressed on-we believed in
Love..we believed in what we felt.
O, I fought, even fought U
I felt myself falling-hard
Year, after year. despite our petty disagreements
I continued 2 fall.
I’d moved 2 Alaska if U had asked me
I gave up my familiar-what I knew, what was mine
2 follow U..2 follow love
Only 4 my fears that U would abandon me
2 come true
And now I’m stuck. My best friend no longer
Desires me, my company, my conversation,
My body, my essence, my ideas, my laughter,
My tears, my cooking, my quirks, my dreams,
My desires, my fantasies, my music, my voice,
My warmth, my commitment, my love
Nothing is right now, my very presence makes U
Unhappy. Breaks my heart every single day. I’m
Stuck between, what 2 do?, why should I have 2?!,
Fuck that shit!, fight 4 him!, Girl U stupid!!..
Maybe stuck is the wrong word, shocked is more
Like it. Although this was 1 of my biggest fears
I didn’t see this coming
Nights are the hardest. We once talked all day long
via ‘hangouts’ or text. Now U chat with her. She knows
your day 2 day..she’s who U return to after a long day..
I’m not even a thought..Just
I often think about that night, In my living room
U were on your knees
During an intimate kiss after a lovely date
I whispered-between kisses
“Please, don’t hurt me.”
“I won’t.” Was your reply
I was sitting here thinking about my college days and the first time I had a hangover came 2 mind.
I went to a frat party and was offered a Zima. I don’t know if you remember Zimas, they are like a clear beer..taste pretty ok and don’t seem threatening at all.
Well, there was of course a keg there. I tried my luck with that, then continued to drink Zimas. I had over 4..not sure how many exactly. I mostly remember not “feeling anything” which is why I keep on drinking.
Finally, I was ready to go. I left the party with my friends and went to look for my boyfriend at the time. I was no doubt drunk. I was walking zig zagged and even sat in the middle of campus where cars can drive! That is when one of my friends decided to get my boyfriend. I remember saying , ” I don’t care, get him!!” I was sitting in the middle of campus still when he walked over to me. He demanded I get up. “Who are you??!! I sit where I please!” My boyfriend yanked me up and walked me to his room to try and lay me down. I argued all the way..telling him I was grown, I could go to my own room, blah blah blah. I was so loud dorm security came to his room and asked if everything was alright. My boyfriend told them yes and shut the door.
As I tried to lye down, everything begin to spin!!! I felt like I was on a merry go round and was trying to hold on to the bed. My boyfriend shook his head and passed me a trash can…needless to say, I got rid of all of those Zimas!!! This was in the 90’s I have not had one since!!!!
What’s a girl to do when the man you are in love with, despite everything, is no longer in love with you? I must admit, its hard…you are thinking and planning one way, while the other is done with you and looking for an out. To no longer be desired, wanted for company or even sex-hurts. It is much easier when U no longer care.
It’s not easy picking up and moving on when U didn’t want to. Where will you live, will your child be upset with you for leaving-even though you are forced out?
Answers I honestly never thought Id have to answer….I would have never made the decisions I made to wind up here. I will never understand why and how people can do things behind your back without a care in the world…sometimes I wish I didn’t have a conscience and could do whats being done to me…but its not in me. The thought of another man touching me in personal intimate ways makes me sick to my stomach, no matter how much I desire to be touched, desired….loved.
My own fault though. I didn’t get into this in the best of ways so Karma is kicking my ass right now…when I look at it that way, I can accept it.
I think another part that makes it so hard was this was my family..and for that person to be smiling in my face all this time but really couldn’t stand me is a hard one to swallow. Nevertheless, I have to. I have to move on with no faith in love and what I once believed in.
So, whats a girl to do when he no longer is in love with you…what am I going to do, even though I am wrong for wanting to be in love and in a relationship, it is teased and ridiculed like its bizarre to be like we once were. The new girl has a lot over me I suppose…again Karma that I new very well would probably surface. What am I going to do…I have never been in this situation. Any break up I had was made by communicating, not waiting to be questioned a spewing out why I “no longer like you, us…I want to do me”. If I could be somewhere else, I would. Out of site out of mind helps the heart heal and move on, rather than seeing what u want but it-he just simply don’t want you.
Wow. He doesn’t want you. A stinging reality that I am learning to accept. I feel like a fool when I cry about it…you see, I wanted 2 marry this man..I was in love despite our differences, disagreements etc…he was my best friend. Now, we are roomies…not even parents..roomies occupying the same space. Him out of obligation. Me because I have no where else to go.
Painful shit. It’s like a slow death with no cure…all the while, you are the dummy because U wanted more., expected to be happy and doing what brought yall together in the first place. Instead, I am the fool caring about someone who doesn’t even come home to me anymore, for he has found “home” elsewhere.
What do you do when he no longer is in love with you? Remember who you are. Perfect? Hell no. But a good woman many think so even though he no longer
Do Pretty Girls Have Problems?
Before U start with the “O…U are pretty…you’re cute”etc. Let’s be clear. I am talking the GORGEOUS chicks, U know, the ones that get thousands of likes and retweets..the ones that have the perfect body, beautiful face, pretty hair..yeah those chicks. Yes, I know most times it is makeup, weave and sometimes, even surgery. But they are the ones that get the “likes” the retweets, the shares, the comments..the guys that are willing to do almost anything for their attention., almost anything to please them.
I just saw a few beautiful women I follow on post some gorgeous pictures. As I stared at their pics, I thought “Wow, how pretty she is!”;then wondered, does she have problems? I don’t mean the every day, run of the mill problems…I’m talking the type of issues that regular chicks like myself go through. I have no problem finding a man, never did. I know I’m not the bottom of the food chain when it comes to being “sought out”, but let’s face it., I’m no ones top either. I know for a fact if I looked like even half of these chicks, things would be much different for me. There would be more of a “I don’t wanna loose her” or “Damn she fine, I can just stare at her all day” type shit.
I know, shallow way of thinking…just my thoughts right now, and times when I don’t feel my “hottest”. Yeah, yeah, it comes from within, blah blah blah.
But let’s be real, those pics that are liked and shared aint coming from “inside”! That shit is all outside shit!! Shit that I wish I could feel even if for 1 day.
What would it be like to post a pic and immediately get retweets and likes and “Girrrrllll!! Yesssss!! Sexy!! DamnMa“….
Eh, wishful thinking. My body is no where what it used to be after 2 children, 2 C sections…age is setting in..normal life crap.
Yes, we know it comes from within, however, it comes from the outside too. And for once…even for one day, Id like 2 be Beautiful…just to see if pretty girls have problems too.
Wednesday, September 26 2018 was the Big Brother Season 20 Finale’!!
Your final 3:
I am still beside myself as to how/why JC made it to the final 3. He calls himself the house ‘puppetmaster’…(side eye)
Part one for the final HOH (Head of Household) was physical, Tyler told Kaycee he would let her have that first win and go head to head with JC…however, he won and it was up to Kaycee in part 2.
Part 2 was slightly physical and mental-although JC came close, Kaycee got the victory, which left her to face Tyler, as planned, in the final part of this HOH.
I have to say, this season’s finale was the most boring and the most rushed show to date. (it became clear why it was rushed later in the show) One of the parts I look forward to is the Juror questioning. Dr. (winner of Big Brother 2), questioned the houseguests from the jury, but it was boring and rushed.
The final competition for Tyler and Kaycee was a mental one. Both tied until the very last question, answering everything the same. It came down to a tie breaker where they had to guess a number-which Kaycee came the closest and won the final HOH. She then was faced with the decision to take Tyler or JC to the final 2. Kaycee chose Tyler. Many (including me) thought this was a big mistake and she solidified herself for 2nd place. I honestly do not think Tyler would have taken Kaycee to final 2.
JC was the final eviction, he joined the houseguests, stating that he remained loyal and always defended Tyler. Host Julie Chen Moonves used this time to catch up on the 3 showmances! Yes, 3!! Angela and Tyler, Haleigh and Faysal and of course, Bayleigh and Swaggy. Perhaps the biggest moment of the evening and why the show was so rushed, was the unexpected proposal from Swaggy to Bayleigh. Of course she said yes! However, social media was NOT happy with realizing this proposal was more than likely the reason for the ‘rushed’ show.
The final vote for which houseguest will win the first prize of $500,000 came down to Bayleigh-who many felt was bitter toward Tyler for her exit..needless to say she voted for Kaycee. I was very surprised Kaycee won! I thought Tyler would still get the votes, but I think their answers during the jury questioning (although rushed) swayed any undecided jurors vote. The last prize was for America’s Favorite Player , who I was for sure Sam or Haleigh would get. But, it came down to Brett, Tyler and Haleigh. America chose Tyler! Tyler was so overcome with emotion, he cried stating he thought “America hated” him. It even got to me and made me cry…it was the first time I saw Tyler and not the ‘Big Brother player’. Very humbling and a great way to end the show.
Julie Chen Moonves announced Big Brother will be returning for season 21, looking now for the next houseguests…she never stated though whether she will return as host, due to the allegations of sexual assault from her husband from women who came forward. (She has already stepped down from The Talk).
Celebrity Big Brother will return for season 2…details and date: TBA Big Brother is a CBS broadcast around the end of June thru end of September.
This year’s Emmy Awards had everything from clever comedy, diversity, standing ovations, a marriage proposal and arguably the best award show opening I have seen!!!
The Emmys’ opened with some of the SNL cast: Kate Mckinnon, Kenan Thompson, along with Rupaul, John Legend, Ricky Martin, Kristen Bell, Sterling K Brown, and a few others. They sang “We Solved It”-about diversity in Hollywood.
The SNL Emmys’ take over also included the SNL news anchors, Colin Jost and Micheal Che as host this year, maintaining their perfectly timed one-liners. Many critics didn’t think they did a good job, some even said they didn’t look “happy to be on stage”. Maybe because I am a die-hard SNL fan, I always stick behind them and don’t nit-pick at their jokes. After all, there have been many Emmy hosts that weren’t “great”, and did and OK job (which I will not name 🙂 ) However, the show itself was soooooo good, I didn’t notice any ‘dead spots’ or anything boring.
Michael Che did a “Reparations Emmy” segment, where he went to actors/actress like Marla Gibbs (Jeffersons) and Kadeem Hardison (A Different World) and presented them with Emmy’s they should have won..not sure if they got to keep them, but the thought was nice.
Here are Monday night’s Emmy winners:
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a comedy series: Henry WinklerBarry
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a comedy series: Alex BorsteinThe Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Outstanding Director for a comedy series: Amy Sherman-Palladino The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Outstanding Writing for a comedy series: Amy Sherman-PalladinoThe Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Outstanding Lead Actress for a comedy series: Rachel Brosnahan The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Outstanding Lead Actor for a comedy series: Bill HaderBarry
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a limited series or movie: Merritt WeverGodless
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a limited series or movie: Jeff Daniels Godless
Outstanding Writing for a limited series movie or dramatic special: Charlie Brooker/Will Bridges Black Mirror’s USS Callister
Outstanding Director for a limited series movie or dramatic special: Ryan MurphyThe Assassination of Gianni Versace
The respected, talented, 96 years young, Betty White – who has been in Hollywood since the 40’s, was honored for all her work and talent. She gave a sweet and funny speech, reminding us how adorable she is.
Outstanding Lead Actress in a limited series or movie: Regina King Seven Seconds
EVERYONE, including me, LOST IT when she was announced the winner.
Lead Actor in a limited series or movie: Darren Criss The Assassination of Gianni Versace American Crime Story
Outstanding Writing for a variety special: John Mulaney Kid Gorgeous
Outstanding Directing for a variety special: Glenn WeissThe Oscars His memorable speech included an unexpected romantic proposal:
The annual Emmy’s Memoriam was bitter sweet, paying respects to those who have passed on with video of Aretha Franklin singing, Amazing Grace.
Supporting Actor in a drama series: Peter DinklageGame of Thrones I was excited about this win also, I screamed and clapped hysterically.
Supporting Actress in a drama series Thandie NewtonWestworld She definitely had the surprise speech of the evening when she stated, “I don’t believe in God, but I am going to thank her tonight….I am so f….ing blessed.”
Outstanding Writing for a drama series: Joel Fields and Joe Weisberg The Americans-Start
Outstanding Director for a Drama series: Stephen Daldry The Crown-Paterfamilias
Lead Actor in a drama series: Matthey RhysThe Americans
Lead Actress in a drama series: Claire Foy The Crown
Outstanding Reality Competition series: Rupaul’s Drag Race I was very happy and excited about this win. Much deserved.
Outstanding Variety Sketch series: Saturday Night Live Another deserving Emmy
Outstanding Variety Talk series: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Outstanding Limited series: The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story
Outstanding Comedy series: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Every year the fashion magazine, Harper’s Bazaar throw an iconic party, celebrating artists-this is an invite only event where celebrities wear some of the most extravagant designs (some even provide entertainment by singing etc).
This year, celebs like Christina Aguilera, Kendall Jenner, Winnie Harlow, Kelly Rowland, Christie Brinkley, Paris & Nicky Hilton, Evan Ross & Ashlee Simpson, Justin Therox, Russell Westbrook, La La Anthony, Dapper Dan and many more of course, including the most the talked about celebs that evening, Nicki Minaj and Cardi B.
This is an evening to be beautiful, sexy, show off your designer’s outfits, network and socialize!!! Instead, what was highlighted were women of color, not getting along and being “ghetto”..(for lack of a better word). Cardi threw her shoe at Nicki and went to go at her, Security quickly responded holding Cardi back, while Nicki showed no reaction. Somehow during the altercation, Cardi wound up with a knot on her head (which some say came from a security guard’s elbow).
What grinds my gears is how this had to involve women of color, women in the rap industry, just women period at an upscale event. All this did was demonstrate the narrative that women can not get along. I only wish that Cardi did not refer to the “Love N Hip Hop” version of herself, but the beautiful, talented and now mother that she is. This should not have been the highlight of the evening.
I saw these questions on Nicki Minaj’s Twitter and thought it would be fun to answer them myself
1. Who’s the last person U held hands with? My guy 🙂
2. R U outgoing or shy? Depends on where I am. An unfamiliar place/people…I’m shy. Familiar place/people…not shy
3. Who R U looking forward to seeing? My son, who is still sleep lol
4. R U easy 2 get along with? Depends on who U ask. I think I am, however, if I see bullshit or feel hurt, I am calling U out on it…some cannot handle that
5. If U were drunk, would the person U like take care of U? Yes
6. What kind of people R U attracted 2? People with a sense of humor. Ones that don’t take everything to heart and someone that is a good person and drug free
7. Do U think you’ll be in a relationship 2 months from now? With the man I’m with now, yes
8. Who’s on your mind? My mommy. I miss and think of her almost every moment of the day
9. Does talking about sex make U uncomfortable? Not at all
10. Who was the last person U had a deep conversation with? My guy 🙂
11. What does the most recent text U sent say? “kool”
12. What R my 5 Favorite songs right now? “Barbie Tingz”-Nicki M., “Long As I live
-Toni B., “Ape Shit”-Beyonce’ N Jay Z, “Booed up”-Ella Mai, and “I’m Upset”-Drake
13. Do U like when people play in your hair? When “he” does it, yes. Not just anyone
14. Do U believe in luck and miracles? More miracles than luck…but yes
15. What good thing happened this summer? Kinda too personal 2 share here 😉
16. Would U kiss the last person U kissed again? Yes
17. Do U think there is life on other planets? Yes, not people necessarily tho
18. Do U still talk 2 your first crush? Nope
19. Do U like bubble baths? Love them!!!
20. Do U like your neighbors? They’re kool 🙂
21. What R your bad habits? Cussing, yelling, licking my lips, being too forgiving with certain people
22. Where would U like 2 travel? Bahamas, Jamaica, Hawaii, London, Los Angeles……
23. Do U have trust issues? If the person has broken it before and was caught in a lie….yes.
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Putting on eye makeup
25. What part of your body R U most comfortable with? My breasts
26. What do U do when U wake up? I lay there awhile, think., thank God 4 another day, check on my kids and my guy, then proceed in the bathroom
27. Do U wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither..I’m happy with my complexion
28. Who R u most comfortable around? Honestly, myself. I do not have 2 explain anything lol
29. How many of your ex’s told U they regret breaking up? Every single one of them lol. Some still tell me that 2 this day!
30. Do U ever want 2 get married? I used 2. There was a time I dreampt of it…now…maybe because I’m older..it’s like whatever. I do regret never being married tho, but thankful I was even asked. Some women never even been asked.
31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail? Yes