MsCherryMoon

April 2020 and I’m still crying n heartbroken …
I will b glad to be with someone that really LOVES me..won’t cheat and think I’m worth it. Part of me is afraid it will never happen again.
Far from perfect, but I’ve never even now till this day, slept with another man…I was always loyal even while being treated like I’m nothing. It hurts that all the work, time, devotion and love was forgotten and replaced with someone else because she “is easier” .
For a brief moment I thought he missed me, but it was just the alcohol and convenience. He went right back 2 her. Maybe she has always been around n I’m the last 2 know. I hate that I am still in love with him…he hates all of us . Me, the kids, even the damn cats. He prob hopes I catch this Corona virus …then I’ll b gone ..he can bring her here and live the life he wants. But I was ASKED 2 come here, I was asked to pick a house. All that to be less than 2 years later..abandoned.
No matter what..no one deserves this….it hurts. Many mornings I’m angry I woke up because in my dreams, this break up and cheating never happened. In my dreams he is in love with me, we are running to the store, hanging out, just being like we were. However, I wake up..he’s either not home or on the couch; refusing to come into the bedroom unless it’s to shower, get dressed and get the fuck away from me…I try to stay out the way because I know he hates me n wishes I disappear. I’m afraid to talk to him or ask for anything.

I wish he understands…the arguing is the frustration..my soul screaming, “How the fuck did we get HERE?!” I’d rather just grab him and hug him n what my heart and soul feels pours out into him. But, instead, he sees tears, hears yelling, and calls me crazy. He no longer sees it’s frustration 4 us being in this position…instead of the happy couple we once were.

I wish I can go back to Oct. 31, 2019..💜that was the last time he acted like he loved me.

Just like that…I am replaced.
All of our memories, dumped-as if all these years
Meant nothing. Did they mean anything? How long,
How long
HOW LONG were U planning 2 “check out”?!

I was always afraid this day would come
Our 1st, 2nd or 3rd date I whispered 2 U
During an intimate kiss after a lovely date
I whispered-between kisses
“Please, don’t hurt me.”
“I won’t.” Was your reply

I believed U. The stacks were against us
Yet still, we pressed on-we believed in
Love..we believed in what we felt.
O, I fought, even fought U
I felt myself falling-hard
Year, after year. despite our petty disagreements
I continued 2 fall.

I’d moved 2 Alaska if U had asked me
I gave up my familiar-what I knew, what was mine
2 follow U..2 follow love
Only 4 my fears that U would abandon me
Abandon us
2 come true

And now I’m stuck. My best friend no longer
Desires me, my company, my conversation,
My body, my essence, my ideas, my laughter,
My tears, my cooking, my quirks, my dreams,
My desires, my fantasies, my music, my voice,
My warmth, my commitment, my love

Nothing is right now, my very presence makes U
Unhappy. Breaks my heart every single day. I’m
Stuck between, what 2 do?, why should I have 2?!,
Fuck that shit!, fight 4 him!, Girl U stupid!!..
Maybe stuck is the wrong word, shocked is more
Like it. Although this was 1 of my biggest fears
I didn’t see this coming

Nights are the hardest. We once talked all day long
via ‘hangouts’ or text. Now U chat with her. She knows
your day 2 day..she’s who U return to after a long day..
I’m not even a thought..Just
Like
That

I often think about that night, In my living room
U were on your knees
During an intimate kiss after a lovely date
I whispered-between kisses
“Please, don’t hurt me.”
“I won’t.” Was your reply

U LIED

I was sitting here thinking about my college days and the first time I had a hangover came 2 mind.
I went to a frat party and was offered a Zima. I don’t know if you remember Zimas, they are like a clear beer..taste pretty ok and don’t seem threatening at all.

Well, there was of course a keg there. I tried my luck with that, then continued to drink Zimas. I had over 4..not sure how many exactly. I mostly remember not “feeling anything” which is why I keep on drinking.

Finally, I was ready to go. I left the party with my friends and went to look for my boyfriend at the time. I was no doubt drunk. I was walking zig zagged and even sat in the middle of campus where cars can drive! That is when one of my friends decided to get my boyfriend. I remember saying , ” I don’t care, get him!!” I was sitting in the middle of campus still when he walked over to me. He demanded I get up. “Who are you??!! I sit where I please!” My boyfriend yanked me up and walked me to his room to try and lay me down. I argued all the way..telling him I was grown, I could go to my own room, blah blah blah. I was so loud dorm security came to his room and asked if everything was alright. My boyfriend told them yes and shut the door.
As I tried to lye down, everything begin to spin!!! I felt like I was on a merry go round and was trying to hold on to the bed. My boyfriend shook his head and passed me a trash can…needless to say, I got rid of all of those Zimas!!! This was in the 90’s I have not had one since!!!!

What’s a girl to do when the man you are in love with, despite everything, is no longer in love with you? I must admit, its hard…you are thinking and planning one way, while the other is done with you and looking for an out. To no longer be desired, wanted for company or even sex-hurts. It is much easier when U no longer care.
It’s not easy picking up and moving on when U didn’t want to. Where will you live, will your child be upset with you for leaving-even though you are forced out?

Answers I honestly never thought Id have to answer….I would have never made the decisions I made to wind up here. I will never understand why and how people can do things behind your back without a care in the world…sometimes I wish I didn’t have a conscience and could do whats being done to me…but its not in me. The thought of another man touching me in personal intimate ways makes me sick to my stomach, no matter how much I desire to be touched, desired….loved.

My own fault though. I didn’t get into this in the best of ways so Karma is kicking my ass right now…when I look at it that way, I can accept it.
I think another part that makes it so hard was this was my family..and for that person to be smiling in my face all this time but really couldn’t stand me is a hard one to swallow. Nevertheless, I have to. I have to move on with no faith in love and what I once believed in.

So, whats a girl to do when he no longer is in love with you…what am I going to do, even though I am wrong for wanting to be in love and in a relationship, it is teased and ridiculed like its bizarre to be like we once were. The new girl has a lot over me I suppose…again Karma that I new very well would probably surface. What am I going to do…I have never been in this situation. Any break up I had was made by communicating, not waiting to be questioned a spewing out why I “no longer like you, us…I want to do me”. If I could be somewhere else, I would. Out of site out of mind helps the heart heal and move on, rather than seeing what u want but it-he just simply don’t want you.

Wow. He doesn’t want you. A stinging reality that I am learning to accept. I feel like a fool when I cry about it…you see, I wanted 2 marry this man..I was in love despite our differences, disagreements etc…he was my best friend. Now, we are roomies…not even parents..roomies occupying the same space. Him out of obligation. Me because I have no where else to go.

Painful shit. It’s like a slow death with no cure…all the while, you are the dummy because U wanted more., expected to be happy and doing what brought yall together in the first place. Instead, I am the fool caring about someone who doesn’t even come home to me anymore, for he has found “home” elsewhere.

What do you do when he no longer is in love with you? Remember who you are. Perfect? Hell no. But a good woman many think so even though he no longer
does not.